In this blog post, I'm going to share part III of my anxiety story, which will be my revelations, new perspective and gratitude for what anxiety taught me.
A million questions with only one answer
For about four months, I was relentless with my quest for answers. I had come out of my more fearful space and was ravenous in learning more about the body, the subconscious mind and the death experience.
I had ignored my body for most of my life because of the early childhood abuse, and death was something I'd always seen from a very limited perspective. I just didn't really like to contemplate either one in very much detail.
During this time, I read so many books on the subjects of our bodies from a metaphysical sense. How our bodies are a filter of our emotions, so our bodies will reflect back how we're feeling.
There's no physical condition that develops after birth that isn't congruent with a person's emotional state. Dr. Bruce Lipton, a cell biologist, says that less than 5% of physical conditions are simply biology. Which means that 95% of physical conditions are the cause of beliefs and emotions.
I began to see the lump in my breast less and less as an evil in my body, and more of a messenger. I began to see the anxiety less from a victim standpoint and more as an ally in my healing.
The anxiety and the lump didn't show up to wreak havoc in my life–I believe they showed up to help me heal parts of me that were buried so long ago. They were asking me to take off this constrictive mask off I'd worn for so long.
A healing trail of clues
I saw several energy healers during this time and studied from several authors, and walked away from each one with a golden nugget.
Anita Moorjani, who had a near death experience, healed from stage 4 cancer and is the author of Dying to Be Me, taught me that we are truly here for the joy of it all. We are here to eat the ice cream, to sit and watch the sunsets, to love ourselves deeply and with compassion. To be our true selves unapologetically.
Dr. Bruce Lipton, a former Stanford cell biologist researcher and author, taught me that our biology is mostly based on our subconscious beliefs. Dis-eases don't "run in families"–the belief that they do is what runs in families. The tapes we have playing from childhood governs so much in the way of our beliefs and emotions. He says frequently "change the tape and you'll change your life."
My hypnotherapist taught me that our subconscious loves descriptive, creative, right-brain statements. Saying things like "This soft pillow feels like love, and when I lay on it I can feel love pulsing through me." Being creative in how we word things helps the subconscious latch onto a new belief.
My energy healer, Robin, taught me how to re-parent myself. To take care of myself from a place of compassion, forgive myself and advocate for myself in a way that was never done for me as a child. That I'd never done for myself.
My Psych-K healer reminded me of the incredible power of muscle testing to communicate with the soul, the power of accessing both sides of the brain to download new beliefs, and to imagine a statement or vision you wish to be true until you FEEL it in your body. It's reached the subconscious when this happens.
Certain people in my life during this time that had me feeling backed into a corner taught me that it's okay to say no. It's safe to be me unapologetically. I am allowed to claim space and not sacrifice that space for anyone else's approval.
Learning to deeply trust
So many times during the past year, I felt like anxiety had turned me towards the dark and I just couldn't seem to turn back around to the light. I can't describe the fear that was present on a near-daily basis.
But perhaps there were things I kept in the dark that needed to be brought into the light. My concepts of death were definitely in that dark place.
I began reading about it, again from a spiritual perspective. There are literally hundred of books written by professionals and the curious-minded on compiled witness accounts/scientific studies on everything from past lives, spontaneous healings of incurable dis-eases to different dimensions and parallel realities.
This universe we live in is just SO MUCH BIGGER than we've ever been led to believe. And in this awareness and openness to what it is possible, I found deep, immense healing.
I began acting on my hunches. A question I kept asking myself was if my soul wanted to leave or not. One day I heard a song playing in the basement where my kids hang out. It really caught my attention and I went downstairs to find out what it was.
The funny thing about the song was that I could hardly understand most of the lyrics but the ones I could were answers to my question. It talked about not wanting to leave yet, as well as my body and spirit aligning.
I also asked my subconscious to give me answers while I slept. I wanted to know why all of this was happening. I woke up the next morning from a very vivid dream. I realized all of my deepest fears from this dream...of being afraid of being separated and alone because of others rejecting me. I was trying so hard to be accepted in my dream.
And therein was such a powerful answer for me, one of being inauthentic on the deepest levels because the little girl in me was so afraid of everyone finding out about her and not loving her because of it.
A wake-up call from self-love
Once again, my husband had to leave out of town for several weeks. We were both worried about how I would take it since my anxiety had reached such high levels the last time.
Right when he left, I had a falling out with a new friend I had met when I first moved here. This bothered me deeply and my anxiety did worsen now that I was alone with myself every night.
The thing I know is that everyone is a reflection of ourselves and so I kept pondering on what about this incident unsettled me so much. Why did it even happen? I can't remember the last time I had a falling out with someone. And what interesting timing.
On the morning that I journaled about the dream, I wrote my most pressing issue with this person as "____________ doesn't see me. Has got me wrong." Below that, I changed the wording to
"I don't see me. I have me wrong.
I have me wrong."
Reading over the feelings of shame and fear, I realized my perception of myself had been wrong for so long. There is no shame in who I am or my body. There is no shame in anything I've ever done, said or felt. There was no need for fear of rejection because I am eternally and infinitely loved by my own soul.
This was a major shift for me consciously. I realized how unloving I'd been to myself my whole life without even realizing it. I realized how much I sacrificed myself in order to please others. How I did things "to get it over with so I can go back to doing what I love" much like the little girl who endured the weekly abuse.
Living from a place of self-love and acceptance
I finally went to the doctor (the most perfect one for me was placed in my path). She's naturopathic and has the mindset that everything can be worked with. Nothing needs to be invaded. No one needs to be scared or pressured.
I did breast thermography instead of anything invasive or that involved radiation. There was nothing suspicious the report stated. Likely fibrocystic breast changes and possibly a hormonal imbalance.
What if I had just gone to the doctor all those months ago? Well first off, I wouldn't have known about thermography because I learned about that several months after the lump appeared when I was educating myself on alternative options. I would've gone to a traditional doctor and probably had a biopsy and maybe a mammogram. Not sure. But it would've been scarier for me, possibly re-traumatizing.
Secondly, I would've never gone on the soul-searching journey that I went on. I could've likely dismissed the physical and emotional message that my soul was trying to get to me. Maybe I would've just had stuff cut out, been put on meds, and went on my way.
But instead I was able to face things I had repressed. I was able to see all the ways in which I had not been loving myself. I learned how frequently I was sacrificing my innermost needs and desires because of my deep fear of disapproval.
I hadn't been allowing myself to live honestly and without apology.
Every person and every situation that came through this past year all helped me to see this. The immense fear, anxiety, the lump, and the pain were all my allies, not my enemies.
What my body told me
Breast problems are directly correlated with issues pertaining to nourishing and nourishment, and I read that in most cases of breast cancer, there is a torn heart chakra. Breast disorders signify that we're asking too much of ourselves and can't please everyone around us.
I cannot say amen loud enough to this. For me, this was my whole life. As a child, I thought it was my fault that my mother wasn't happy and the guilt I would feel for that was so heavy. As a mother now myself, the guilt of not being able to be a perfect mom weighed felt suffocating.
The lump showing up in my right breast signified issues with taking care of those around me, more-so family and people close to me. The left breast is linked with your children or inner child (this is if you're right handed, and these are switched if you're left handed). The right breast signifies feelings of resentment and not being able to let go.
I realized it was time for me to let go of trying to control everyone's emotions and experience. Of trying to please everyone around me in fear of being rejected.
If I sense my mother is in a bad mood, I am no longer taking responsibility for it. I never consciously felt like I did, but I do see now that I definitely was. I would try to change what I said or how I acted so she wouldn't be in that mood.
My father was visiting recently and he took something I said wrong. He got defensive and then went to bed. I was hurt and honestly mortified. Normally I would've tried to address it and get defensive back. But this time I just loved myself. I did yoga and while I was doing yoga, I cried twice, which I allowed myself to freely do. Then I did EFT tapping on some different emotions I was feeling and cried some more. After that, I was over it and held no fear, resentment or sadness.
I cannot create the perfect experience for my children. I cannot be the perfect partner for my husband. I cannot be the perfect friend, daughter or anything to anyone. I can't control their experiences or perceptions. I am not here to be the balancer for all people. I can only love myself back into balance and from that place, love them.
My body was letting me know there was an imbalance. There's still an imbalance. But I'm now actively practicing on loving myself from a deeper place. I'm practicing instantly forgiving myself. I am learning how to hold true compassion for myself. The guilt I was carrying around was massive and I didn't realize it until this year.
Trusting and letting go
I don't know how I'm going to die or when, but I know it's going to happen someday. I mean, right? I could fear the lump until I die or I could trip while scrolling my phone and die falling down the stairs tomorrow.
So what's the point of fearing the unknown?
After all I've been opened up to this past year, I really do resonate with the truth that we are here for the joy of it. The dark moments make the light so much more beautiful.
Death is only a transition. If that's the worst that can happen, well...that's not really so bad.
The kind of death that hurts more than physical death is living our lives from a place of fear. It's robbing yourself of the deep joy and inner peace that is always available to you.
If fear shows up, listen to it. No emotion is bad–they all have a purpose. They all need to be acknowledged, processed and then released. Anger doesn't mean you're a bad person, and most people have anger in some form like irritation, annoyance, or resentment. Louise Hay says most negative emotions go back to either fear or anger.
Our emotions talk to us first, and if we don't listen they will go into our bodies and begin manifesting as physical symptoms. Become curious and open-minded. What is your soul trying to tell you? What part of your body hurts? What side of the body is it on? When is it triggered?
Most of all, how does it make you feel? Follow that feeling down the rabbit hole–it will lead you back the very roots it came from. It's not a scary thing. On the contrary, it's actually very deeply healing and relieving.
Begin to see yourself from a place of love and compassion. You're truly so much more than you know–this is the message that really came through for me this past year.
Thanks for reading, I hope you enjoyed reading and that there was something there for you to take away.
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Lots of love,
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